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Kayti's Musings: Dismantling Internalized Fat Phobia

CW: Fat trauma, fatphobia, self-hate, prejudice 


We have spent our lives being conditioned to believe the trauma that we endure. We begin to think that we deserve it or that it is acceptable to think of us as wrong, bad, or less than. Many fat people resort to self-deprecating humor to regain control of their narrative. All the while society continues to laugh and absorb the comment sections of any public image of a fat person, especially femme.


When writing about fat characters, I even notice that I feel like I am being rude to refer to them as fat. Why would that be rude? Because being fat is “bad” and I am painting them as bad. The images on most the covers of even the most fat positive romance novels are muscular masculine bodies. (Which we get, but would love to see change) The passionate embrace on many straight sized romance covers is notably missing. People may not buy the book if there is a picture of a fat woman in a sexy pose, or even sharing the screen with her hunky lover.


How can we change the thought process? We begin by normalizing radical fat acceptance. That is going to be hard, and it will require a lot of people to push through some serious self doubt. Here is the thing though, we are worth the effort. We are allowed to take up space, our bodies are good bodies, the rest of the world may just need to catch up. There are dangers that come from being fat but most of them are from the outside. A world that is shaped and built to not allow us into it. Airplane seats, chairs with arms in restaurants, small spaces in several instances allow them to pack more people in and charge more money. No one is truly comfortable, we just continue to allow it. In medical situations it is downright dangerous and unethical that the equipment does not give access to care for a lot of patients.


It’s time to demand changes. We are valuable, we are beautiful, we are sexy, we are capable, we are worth the space we take up. If you are not ready to demand that for you, demand it for the other fat people that we know and love. We will demand it for you until you can accept that you are included in the demand. We want you to feel enrobed in the love and respect that you deserve. We don’t want to hear about people’s diets as being part of their vanity. We will correct people when they call themselves fat in disgust. We will not laugh at fat traumatizing humor. We will take up the space that we need to comfortably fit our worthy and wonderful selves.


It’s going to be challenging, there will be hurdles, but together we can create an arm linked wall of radical acceptance and love. Today, for one day, look in the mirror and name five things about yourself that you love. Keep it up, we have a lot of conditioning to undo.


My five for today:


  1.       I have beautiful eyes
  2.       I have a good singing voice
  3.       I am a good mama
  4.       My body carried and nurtured my child and brought her here safely, it’s pretty amazing.
  5.       My body is the carriage for my brain, my thoughts are worth sharing. I am grateful to my body.

Now, think of another fat friend or family member and say five positive things about them.


My five for today:


  1. Mary is inspiring and has a smile that lights up the room
  2. Aidy’s picture is stunning, like breathtakingly so.
  3. My Mother carried me and my brother in her body, she embraces and emboldens her grandchildren.
  4. Jamie is inspiring, she uses her body in movement to teach others and entertain. She is beautiful.
  5. Brianna is an embodiment of love and acceptance. She advocates for herself and all of us and owns her body and her power.

What are yours? I would love to hear them! We will be a group of fierce humans that can look to each other for the reminders of our excellence. Join our facebook group for fat femmes and fat nonbinary people, you are welcome and wanted!



Thank you to the amazing authors who have let us see ourselves in a positive way. A seal has been broken and we are not returning to it. I will love you fiercely exactly as you are, holding space until you join me in recognizing you as that magnificent miracle that you are. 

A fat woman kicks one leg behind her against a blue/green background. Radical Self Love, Get into it!